Beyond Winning and Losing: How to Measure Your Child's Growth in the Third Space
Your daughter's debate team placed fourth at regionals. Your son's soccer team had a losing season. Your kid's art piece didn't make it into the school showcase.
And somehow, despite watching your children grow, learn, and develop genuine passions, you find yourself feeling... disappointed? Worried about their college applications? Questioning whether these activities were "worth it"?
Welcome to millennial parenting in the age of optimization, where we've somehow inherited our parents' competitive anxiety while simultaneously trying to reject it. We want our kids to have different experiences than we did, but we're still measuring success the same way our parents did: wins, losses, and external validation.
It's time for a reality check and a framework reset.
The Millennial Parent Trap
We grew up during the rise of travel sports, academic competition, and the "college prep starts in kindergarten" mentality. Many of us were overscheduled kids ourselves, burning out on activities that stopped being fun when they became about performance instead of growth.
Now we're raising kids in an even more competitive landscape—where middle schoolers have Instagram-worthy highlight reels and high school students are expected to have "passion projects" for college admission. The pressure to achieve visible success has never been higher.
But here's what we've learned from research, child development experts, and our own therapy sessions: The stuff that actually matters in life isn't the stuff that shows up on trophies.
What Vermont's Third Space Model Teaches Us About Real Success
Vermont's intervention framework tracks something revolutionary: holistic development. Instead of just counting wins and losses, they're measuring the skills that actually predict life success and happiness.
Social-Emotional Learning Indicators
Emotional Regulation
Does your child bounce back from setbacks more quickly than before?
Can they manage disappointment without spiraling?
Are they developing healthy ways to cope with pressure?
Real-world example: Your kid used to have meltdowns when they made mistakes in piano recitals. Now they take a breath, acknowledge the error, and keep playing. That's not failure—that's massive growth.
Interpersonal Skills
Are they learning to navigate conflict constructively?
Can they collaborate with different personality types?
Do they show empathy and perspective-taking?
What this looks like: Your shy child starts advocating for a teammate who's being excluded. Your strong-willed kid learns to compromise during group projects. Your sensitive child develops strategies for handling criticism.
Self-Advocacy and Leadership
Do they speak up when they need help or clarification?
Are they taking initiative in age-appropriate ways?
Can they teach or mentor others?
In practice: Your child approaches the coach about playing time, your teenager organizes carpools for the team, or your kid offers to help a struggling peer.
Character Development Markers
Resilience Building The ability to persist through challenges, learn from failure, and maintain optimism in the face of setbacks.
Growth mindset example: Instead of "I'm bad at this," your child starts saying "I'm learning this" or "This is hard for me right now."
Integrity and Ethics Making good choices when no one's watching, standing up for what's right, and taking responsibility for mistakes.
Real talk: Your child admits they fouled someone even when the ref didn't see it, or they refuse to participate when teammates are gossiping about a competitor.
Practical Tools for Measuring Growth
The Monthly Check-In Questions
For younger kids (ages 8-12):
"What's something new you learned about yourself in [activity]?"
"Tell me about a time you helped someone or someone helped you."
"What's something that used to be scary but isn't anymore?"
"How do you feel different now than when you started?"
For tweens and teens (ages 13+):
"What skills are you developing that you'll use outside of this activity?"
"How has this experience changed how you think about yourself?"
"What would you tell someone just starting in this activity?"
"What are you proud of that has nothing to do with winning or losing?"
The Parent Observation Framework
Week 1: Baseline behavior and attitude Month 1: Initial adaptation and comfort level Month 3: Skill development and relationship building Month 6: Leadership emergence and independence End of season: Integration and reflection
Documentation That Matters
Instead of just keeping trophies and ribbons, create a growth portfolio:
Photos of effort, not just achievement: Your kid practicing at home, supporting teammates, trying something new
Quotes and reflections: Things they say about their experiences, lessons learned, favorite memories
Skills inventory: List of tangible skills developed (time management, conflict resolution, public speaking, etc.)
Relationship maps: New friendships, mentoring relationships, community connections
Reframing Common "Disappointments"
"They quit mid-season" Reframe: They learned to recognize when something isn't a good fit and practiced self-advocacy.
"They didn't make the varsity team" Reframe: They experienced disappointment gracefully and chose to continue developing their skills.
"They chose a 'less prestigious' activity" Reframe: They prioritized personal interest and passion over external validation.
"They're not the star player" Reframe: They're learning to contribute meaningfully in non-spotlight roles.
The Long Game Perspective
As millennial parents, we have the advantage of being far enough removed from our own childhoods to see what actually mattered. That state championship you won? Probably less formative than learning to work with a difficult coach. The lead role you didn't get? Maybe less important than discovering you loved costume design.
The children who thrive as adults aren't necessarily the ones who won the most trophies. They're the ones who learned to:
Persist through challenges
Build meaningful relationships
Recover from disappointment
Find joy in effort and growth
Contribute to something larger than themselves
College Application Reality Check
Here's something college admissions officers actually want to see: depth, growth, and authentic passion. They're not counting trophies—they're looking for evidence that your child can contribute to their campus community.
A student who started drama club, stuck with it for four years, mentored younger students, and organized the annual fundraiser? That's compelling. A student with a trophy case but no evidence of personal growth or community contribution? Less so.
Action Steps for This Week
Have the conversation: Ask your child what they're most proud of from their current activities (hint: it probably won't be awards)
Audit your language: Notice how often you ask about scores, standings, or performance vs. how often you ask about effort, learning, or relationships
Celebrate the invisible wins: Acknowledge when you see growth in resilience, kindness, leadership, or problem-solving
Model the behavior: Share your own stories of meaningful growth that had nothing to do with external recognition
The Bottom Line
Your child's worth isn't determined by their performance in activities. Their future success isn't predicted by their middle school trophy count. And your effectiveness as a parent isn't measured by their achievements.
What matters is that they're developing into humans who can handle life's challenges, build meaningful relationships, and find purpose in contributing to their communities. The third space—those activities between home and school—is where this development happens.
So the next time your kid comes home from an activity without a ribbon, ask them what they learned, who they helped, and how they felt. You might be surprised by the richness of their answers—and the realization that they're winning at the things that actually matter.
Ready to shift your perspective? Join our parent community where we celebrate the wins that don't come with trophies and support each other in raising resilient, kind, capable humans.
